To Love Oneself
One of the sayings that gets thrown around in our generation is, “You can’t love someone else if you can’t love yourself.” Before any person, before your significant other, even before your family, people tell you that one of the trademarks of confidence and a fulfilled life is loving oneself. Well, I apologize for sounding borderline ignorant and stupid, but what does it mean to love yourself?
Does it mean that you are content with who you are, at the moment? The way you look, the color of your skin, where you work, where you go to school, your financial standing, and anything that pertains to your position in life? If that’s the case, then yes, I love myself. There are a lot of things I wish I could change about myself - maybe if I was taller, maybe if I was more good-looking, maybe if I was richer, life would be easier. But this is what God gave me, and I’ll take it, because anything God gives me is everything I deserve.
Does it mean that you embrace your past and present? The mistakes you made, the achievements you have, the regrets you live with, and the hopes of what may happen tomorrow in your life? In that case, I love myself. Everything happens for a reason and everything will happen for a reason. The mistakes I made are mine to learn from. The achievements I have, whether big or small, are victories I achieved. The hopes I have will be accomplished, in God’s time.
Does it mean that I have no problem being by myself? When the friends I want to hear from don’t call me, when I’m alone in public places, and when the girls I’m interested in is interested in anyone else but me? To be honest…I don’t know. Living alone in LA for a month made me realize that I need human interaction. It gets lonely being in a new town, and company was a lot more important than I thought. As far as the girl situation, I don’t know why I find myself wanting a girlfriend so bad. If I have everything else in my life lined up, why do I want something I’ve never had? Perhaps it’s because it’s something I’ve never had, and it feels like everyone else has experienced it but me, even though in my rational mind, I know it’s not true. It’s also a reflection of who I am as a person - I’m the kind of guy who wants to love, and be given the opportunity to love. But according to the purpose of this blog, if I truly want to love, what better way to express love than love myself?
My only problem is this: how do I love myself? What do I do to achieve this? I’m so confused as to how to go about this. Do I look at myself in the mirror every day and tell myself I am handsome? Do I keep some stupid list in my wallet that reminds me about the things I like about myself? Do I make love songs dedicated to myself? Schools teach you the history of the country you live in, advanced calculus, and the Western music scale, but has never taught me how to build up my self-esteem, when it’s been constantly shut down since birth, yet I’m foolish enough to think that a girlfriend can do that for me. How pretentious and selfish! But am I really being down on myself, or is this just healthy introspective contemplation? After all, I’ve affirmed, previously, that I do love myself in certain aspects. Maybe it’s just this particular area in my life where I’m struggling.
So if you ask me, “Do you love yourself, Joseph?”, I’m sorry to say this, but my answer would be this:
I’m still learning how to do that.
(But on the other hand, a confused and tortured soul makes for great music!)
